i love my lips

I've been in the New Testament for a while in my daily Bible readings, and as I'm almost through with Luke, I've been reading a lot of parables. And every time I read "One day while Jesus was speaking to the crowd," or something similar (they pretty much all start similarly), I can't help but hear in my head, "One day while talking with Dr. Archibald, Larry confronts one of his deepest fears."

Now, I love Veggie Tales. I loved them when I watched them (older than you think) and love that my nieces and nephews watch them and will love when my kids watch them. But for some reason I don't think this is what Jesus was going for.

And you're welcome for getting that song stuck in your head all day.

I LOVE MY LIPS!

home to me

Sometimes you wake up on a Wednesday, after working 11 hours on a Tuesday, and you feel horrible. And you’re mad at the world in general and mad that you feel so terrible.

And sometimes you get a nasty voicemail from someone about a story that’s not even in your department. And you answer that voicemail with a terse explanation and end the call with “I can’t have this conversation. You need to talk to Sports.”

And sometimes you are the only reporter at work and unexpectedly get an extra assignment. And you’re covering a college that’s being ridiculous and another college that’s preparing for big changes. And you’re writing those stories for Thursday’s paper. And you get back from your assignments at 5 p.m., finish one story and still have two stories to write.

And sometimes you leave work – a day you thought would be short because of yesterday but turns out to be 8 hours anyway – after it’s started raining. And your husband is waiting on you for dinner. And you realize you still have to get gas or you won’t make it the 25 miles home.

And sometimes you check your voicemail and there’s one from your mom saying, “You should be at Contraband Days this weekend” – and you think it’s going to be a guilt trip comment because you will not, in fact, be at Contraband Days this weekend.

And then it’s not. “Audio Adrenaline is playing.”

“And if I remember right, Audio Adrenaline is ‘The Houseplant Song.’” And then your mom laughs and says to call her later.

And sometimes, sometimes, you just start grinning and laughing in your car because your mom remembered that song you and Wes would sing forever ago. And she got both the band and song right and thought to call and leave you a voicemail about it. And she didn’t know you felt so bad today or had gotten a nasty voicemail or worked overtime.

And sometimes everything is just OK again.

wishing every day was sunday

It's been a while since I've blogged, and I had the hankering today, especially in the midst of being busy with work and moving and as this world gets crazier every day. I just wanted to write something for me today. So here's a recap of my race weekend in Dallas.

I ran my sixth half-marathon on Sunday in Dallas. It was all David Royal's idea. He was looking for some motivation to get back into running (I guess the Army isn't enough) and asked me a few months ago about doing this one, which happened to fall on his birthday. He said we could run it with Eric and Leanne -- if I could convince Leanne. Well, that wasn't likely since I can't even convince Eric. And Leanne ended up having drill that weekend, so it turned out being the three of us. We stayed with my cousin Jim, whom I hadn't seen in years. I mean, he'd never even met Eric. He and his wife, Katina, live in Dallas, and Jim has been running races like crazy so he just added this one to his list.

So it turned into a reunion, both of family and of college friends. We met in Dallas on Saturday at a cool burger place called Twisted Root Burgers.

This is me with all the family that could make it to lunch. Uncle David is in the red Budweiser shirt (he works there) in the middle and his wife and two girls are between him and me. Jim is in the Texas Rangers shirt and Katina is next to him. I hadn't seen Uncle David, Melissa or the girls in forever either. Ali, who is next to me, was in middle school last time I saw her, I think. She's a junior in high school now. They all live near Dallas, so this worked out great. And I got to enjoy a burger with spicy chipotle sauce, goat cheese and bacon on it. Amazing. I didn't get to see Uncle James and Aunt Susan (Jim's parents), although they live right there, too, because of conflicting schedules.

I repeat what I wrote when I posted this picture on Facebook: YDR!

That will forever be his name to us.

Then it was race day. (Race day! Race day!) It was perfect weather for a run that morning, high 50s. It warmed up as we ran, obviously, and the sun really got me on those last few miles. I was definitely hot by then. My goal was to PR, of course, which meant beating my time from the Sulphur Park to Park race (2:12:50), but I really wanted 2:10. And to me, that means 2:10:anything. It can be 2:10:59 and still count to me.


Well, my first 7 miles went great. I felt great. But then there was that huge hill around mile 7 or 8. There were other hills, but this one was rough. And that became crystal clear when I got a cramp after conquering it. I walked a bit and then tried to book it to catch up with the 2:10 pace group, which I’d stayed in front of until now. I never did catch them, but I did book it.

The sun came out, a fly came at my face (no lie), the water stations weren't always ready for us, but I pushed myself as far as I could. And I know God gave me the strength to keep going, especially after I realized we had to go all the way around the park to the finish line and not through an earlier entrance like I thought. Yeah, God was definitely in this race -- in every race. People always joke about prayer never leaving schools because there will always be tests. Well, a half-marathon is certainly a test. If you run one and push yourself and don’t pray, color me surprised.

I read the clock as I crossed the finish line and saw about 2:11:20. I saw Eric and David (he and Jim finished under 2 hours) after I heard them call my name, but I couldn't stop walking. I needed water. They came to me as I found the water table. I never did find those bananas.

I was bummed that I didn't quite make my goal, but hey, a PR was still awesome -- and a PR of a minute 30, no less! We found Jim, who had found bananas, and the three of us hobbled all the way to the car. Eric walked just fine, and as we complained about the hills and cramps, he made jokes about how his foot started falling asleep while he read his book. We complained, yes, but we were dang proud of ourselves and happy to be there. I mean, look how happy we are.

Sweaty, but happy.

The four of us ate at a super cool place called Cafe Brazil, and I had coffee, Dr. Pepper and water (not mixed together). I probably would've had a beer, too, if I'd thought about it. That's what races do to me. They make me feel like I can do anything and have anything, or everything, at once. After lunch we parted ways -- Jim to the train that would take him back to Murphy, YDR to San Angelo and us to Alexandria.

It was a super fun weekend, and the icing was still to come. As we were pulling into our driveway, I finally got the unofficial results on the Big D website to load on my phone. When I finally found my name, I gasped and started hitting/tapping Eric excitedly on the arm. My chip time showed I finished the race in 2:10:59.777!

I WAS ELATED! Heck, I still am. Pretty sure I cried.

I did mean 2:10:anything. Right under the wire, but it counts! It feels even better because this will be my last half for a while, maybe all year. Eric and I are trying to make a baby, and I don't think I should run a half marathon while pregnant, which hopefully I will be soon. (Let me be clear that I am NOT currently pregnant.) And I will still run while pregnant as long as the doc OKs it, which is likely since my body is used to this level of activity. But I think I'll stick to 10Ks for a while and come back with a vengeance after I'm a mommy. It's time to give my body a rest, and the Big D Half Marathon with my family and friend was a great way to go out with a bang.

that presto magic

So I'm going through something that I had decided not to tell everyone about, but instead I choose to write about it on a public blog because, honestly, how else do I deal with anything?

That's right. I write.

We found out last Tuesday (Feb. 12) that I was pregnant. We found out because I went to the doctor with severe stomach pain and bleeding when, well, I just shouldn't be. (FYI, this may be TMI for some of you, especially the boys, but it's my blog and my pain and you can deal or stop reading. I'll understand either way.)

I was excited, of course, when I found out because we've been trying a few months. It's the outcome we wanted. But we knew it wasn't really a good thing because I'd been bleeding as long as they were saying I'd been pregnant (about two weeks) and I'd just had a CT scan on my stomach the day before -- something they advise you not to do while pregnant. My mind raced with what I might have done wrong, how I'd screwed up, but I knew there was nothing I could've done differently. How was I to know this was pregnancy? I thought I was just having an extended period, something that definitely did not mean "pregnant."

Although we pretty much knew the outcome would be bad, we decided to be excited on Tuesday and not tell anyone -- not even my mom -- just in case everything would be OK and we could come up with some clever way to surprise them a few weeks down the road. I went to the lady doctor (yeah, that's what I'm gonna call her) the next day and she told me several things that meant I was probably having an abnormal pregnancy. They took blood to confirm and called me with the results on Friday.

I was having a miscarriage.

I still am.

Take away all the emotions that this carries with it. Strip that away and just think about the physical, especially you girls. Thanks to a period and then this miscarriage, I've been bleeding for a month -- a month -- come this Tuesday. Think about how horrible that is.

And I don't say this for sympathy. I appreciate it, really, but I'm not asking for it with this post. I'm writing this fully for selfish reasons. It's to help me through this. It's hard having some people know and others not, and mostly the ones who know are not here. I've seen only two people who know in person, and those are Eric and Mom. That's a big reason I'm so incredibly ready to see my family this weekend. And I've seen Heather's face through Skype, but mainly everything's been through texts.

I was thankful for that technology on Friday when I found out during my lunch break and then had to pull myself together and face a very busy afternoon back at work. So I stayed there 'til almost 8 p.m. when my mom got into town to stay with me that night. Eric had two baseball games in Leesville and couldn't make it back.

But now those texts aren't enough. One minute I'm strong and the next I'm not. One minute I want no one to know and the next I feel like I could cry or fall apart or become extremely sad and no one would understand why. And I know the people at work and church would care and be sympathetic and offer to help in any way. And I'm super thankful for that. But at the same time, I don't want that. I don't want to look like I'm drawing attention to myself. And frankly, I don't really want to talk about it.

But what about when I do? When I can't help but think about it. When someone makes a comment on Facebook about it being time Eric and I have one. What then? When it hits me like that, unexpectedly, what do I do? How do I respond? How do I deal?

I write. I write this, I guess.

I get it all out -- process, as Robin says.

Because what I have been doing is waiting, expecting it to just go away and distracting myself. I focus on work. I watch TV or read when I'm home alone. I drink coffee and alcohol (not at once) and talk a lot. Or I don't talk -- not to Eric, not during prayer requests at women's Bible study, not during workout. I just wait for it to pass.

Back to the physical, two more blood tests have shown that everything is passing on its own and I likely will not need a procedure to remove anything. That is good news. I am technically still pregnant, according to hormone levels that are dropping every day, another good, albeit sad, sign. I will give more of my blood on Monday to confirm that, and I hope that's the last test. Lord knows I need my blood, seeing as I'm anemic and I've been bleeding for a month.

And then the emotional... Although I do believe 100 percent that it's a baby as soon as it's conceived, I don't feel so much like I've lost a baby. I wasn't attached. It wasn't real to me. It hadn't sunk in. And I know so many people who have had it worse, and that's a mentality I think I often try to live by -- it could be worse, so don't complain. But no matter if you say "it" or "baby," it's a loss. It's something that's gone wrong in your body. It's a delay in the process of trying to have a child. It's a glimmer -- a sign that you can get pregnant. It's something that Eric, or really most people, don't understand. It's a rollercoaster. It's a bitch.

On this rollercoaster ride I've felt pain, sadness, fear, hope and peace, all in differing waves at different times. I thought after last weekend that I was over it, that I was moving on -- and I was -- but I thought that would be an immediate thing. I thought I'd just stop bleeding and be OK, inside and out. Then the doctor said the physical side could take weeks more, and I realized nothing would be immediate. That was so frustrating and disappointing, and I think I kinda stopped trying to deal with it for a while, distracted myself, like I said.

So here's to writing, what I do both for a living and to live.

snappin' at me

Having two dogs in such close contact means I should really invest in a lint roller.

I've got a date with a priest tonight! Godmother duties begin today, and he's just the man to tell me what those are.

I'm realizing that some things take a while to get through, and that's all you can do -- go through them. It's a process that doesn't just go away as quickly as I had thought.

I'm really ready to see my family in person this weekend. They're awesome and have even surprised me lately with how awesome they are.

My dogs ran away for about two and a half hours last night. Thank God they came back because we couldn't find them. So now we know there's a hole in the fence.

My Sunday School class has a women's Bible study called Divas, and thanks to Pitch Perfect I keep almost calling it Bellas.

I can't figure out why my Nike+GPS running app says I've run almost 27 miles this month in the "Activity" section but only 22.6 miles when it ranks me with my Nike.com "friends." I really think those numbers should line up, especially since I'm losing with 22.6. I welcome your thoughts on this.

I'm signed up to run a half-marathon in Dallas with YDR on April 14, also his birthday. It'll be fun visiting him and Leanne.We've been meaning to do that for a long time, and he sealed the deal inviting me to a race.

My thing for Lent is to do 40 pushups for 40 days. I took Tia's idea (sit-ups) and modified it. I started Monday, which makes Good Friday day 40. Works out perfectly.

Assignments (and non-assignments) gave me two free meals on Tuesday -- Rotary and an educational forum -- and today I'm covering an oratorical contest (yep) complete with a luncheon. Yeah, this job has its perks.

Have a great Thursday, everyone. It's rainy here, but I hope it's sunny for you!

wicky wild

Texting on Sunday:

Wes: What's happening at Louisiana College right now that people keep facebooking about?
Me: Oooh, I can answer that. I wrote a very big story on it for today's paper. I'll email it to you but basically... (I sum up some of the details.)
Wes: I read that article online just now but wasn't sure that was the whole deal. ...
Me: The story I wrote?
Wes: Yeah. It popped up when I googled it. My sister's a big deal.
Me: Lol yeah. She is.

I have the best little brother.

two outta three ain't bad

I didn't complete my 3-in-3 challenge today. Some severe stomach pain last week sent me back to the gastroenterologist. On Saturday I took pain medicine they prescribed, which made me feel real good until I was throwing up that night. I figured I'd just play it by ear on Sunday. I still felt bad, so I stayed home. I really wish I could've run and done the 3N3, but I knew I shouldn't go this morning.

Tomorrow morning I go for a CT scan on my stomach. Wish me luck, and send your prayers, please!